What You Want, You Already Have

I hit a pretty low spot this weekend, both personally (my relationship with myself and the universe) and in my relationship with the man I'm seeing ("boyfriend" sounds so sixth-grade). That darkness had me seeking out ways to retreat, to find wholeness again, and I came across the website of a local monastery. I'm not Christian, never mind Catholic, but feeling lost, this way of life appealed to me, and I woke up this morning and decided to spend some time before breakfast with a Buddhist book I've been meaning to read, and some time for contemplation and meditation.

I was not disappointed.

I feel better than I have in a long time, and realized a few important things that I'd forgotten.

What I wanted, I had. I just couldn't see it because I was looking so hard. In my relentless pursuit of more "together" time, to try to feel more connected, I prevented the very thing I was seeking from happening. He, too, had needed some personal space, but had been trying to give me what I wanted, and neglected himself. So neither of us had anything to give the other, but we kept on doggedly trying. My relationship with a lesser man would have ended this weekend. I'm glad this one didn't.

I need daily meditations. Even though I'm not religious, a spiritual discipline (taking time to reflect and learn from various philosophical and religious teachings) has always made me feel grounded and centered. It gives me a reason to be healthy, to work, to live. When I ignore this part of my life for too long, I start to feel lost in the universe. Now I feel found again.

So I think I'll adopt "morning prayers" (prayer, meditation, reading, etc) as part of my daily routine. I feel a peace and clarity today that I know will only grow over time.

Failing Schools? Or Failing Society?

I am sick of reading about America's "failing schools," as though the school system were to blame for anti-intellectualism in this country.

I studied to be a teacher. My mom is a teacher in a rural school district. I did my internship in a wealthy suburban school. Then I taught in an underfunded inner-city urban school. In each of those systems, the majority of teachers are dedicated, capable professionals. Teachers and schools are not the cause of under-achievement in American students.

American hubris and over-busy-ness are.

Parents (and students!) think they know better than teachers, how to teach. Government thinks it knows better than a teacher who interacts with students every day. And... here's the biggie ... as a nation, we have lost faith in experts of all kinds, and think the individual, however uneducated, knows best. We see no reason to work hard and learn. No reason to listen. We refuse to put aside our own self-importance to hear what someone with more experience than ourselves has to say.

Even for those who value education, how many people (adults) actually take the time to read, think, and discuss intellectual issues, whether in the realm of science, politics, or philosophy? No, we'd much rather sit back and watch American Idol. Our jobs, commutes, and general pursuit of the American Dream leaves us without energy to pursue artistic or intellectual growth. We model this passive, anti-learning behavior every day for our children, yet we expect our children to be intellectual giants.

Then we blame schools and teachers when they fail to live up to our expectations.

Let's stop blaming schools, and start taking personal responsibility for becoming an intellectually curious society. With a dose of humility, and slowing down enough to learn from and discuss the vast accumulation of knowledge available to us, we can, indeed, raise a generation well-prepared to compete in a global economy.

I Finally Decided to Cancel Cable

I'd been thinking about doing it for a while, worried that I'd miss it, that maybe I should keep it for social reasons. But I can get rabbit ears for if I just want to zone-out with TV for a while, and most of the shows I'd want to watch are available either online, or on DVD. So what, exactly, was I paying for?

I'm not sure.

Which is probably why it felt so good to cancel it.

I'll now pay only $41/month to the cable company, for my internet service. Maybe I'll use the savings to go on a vacation, which is a much better use of money than to fill a box that's rarely on with shows I mostly don't want to watch.

Listen to Yourself

There's a quiet voice that tells you exactly what, at any given moment, you need to do to be happy and satisfied.

The only hard part is learning to listen to it.

Making a Living Making Nothing

It's an interesting feature of this digital age - many of us, myself included, make our livings making nothing substantial, things that exist only in 0's and 1's.

I wonder sometimes if I'd be happier if I made things: actual, real, things-you-can-touch things. I know how to sew. I make a better loaf of bread than you can buy in any but the most expensive of bakeries. I sometimes get away from the computer and do actual artwork on actual canvas, but that's the exception, not the norm.

I fantasize about growing my own food on this little suburban lot that barely holds my house and the requisite grassy front lawn. About living by, at least in part, the labor of my hands, not just of my mind. I dug a garden last spring, and a friend of mine said, "Wow, Becky, you mean you actually did actual work?!"

I think a little more of that sort of work might be good for me.

Slow Mornings

Alarm buzzing. Snooze. Groan. Snooze some more. Quick shower, iron the clothes, juggle kids if you have them. Scarf down your cold breakfast, or skip it altogether. Pay $4 for a grande latte or trans-fat-death-bomb biscuit from a drive-through on your way to work.

No wonder we don't want to wake up in the morning!

My mornings used to be something like that. I'd get up at the latest possible moment that would allow me to get to work on time. Now they're something like this:

Wake up naturally, just before sunrise. Get myself presentable at a relaxed pace. Hear the comforting burble and enticing aroma from my programmed coffee maker. Take the dog outside, and take a moment to breathe the fresh morning air, feel the world waking up. Enjoy the contrast between my hot coffee and the cool morning air. Make a real breakfast, then write this over my second cup of coffee, before I start my work day.

Second Cup is a place for my morning musings and thoughts on a slower, simpler life. A life where time is allowed for savoring the small things. For suburban simplicity, and bowing out of the rat race without bowing out of life.

Enjoy. Make today a great day.